Problem:

One of the most difficult jobs as a parent is finding the right mixture of love and boundaries. For some families, love, closeness, and parent-child bonding can paradoxically cause anxiety and insecurity. Parents strive to meet their child’s dependency needs but instead of fostering age appropriate self-reliance, the child is smothered by the parent-child bond. For example, a child’s first day at preschool is difficult not only for the little guys but also for parents. Many children struggle at drop off, crying as they move towards their classroom and away from their parents. Parents who linger, look anxious/unsure, or pick their child up early, reinforce the notion “I am not okay without Mom.” The child learns to depend on their mother for soothing and comfort rather than their own internal resources to calm and emotionally regulate.

Teen and adults also experience challenges as a result of parent-child fusion, especially during individuation and the transition from teen to young adult. Divorce can create diffuse boundaries and an over attached parent-child dynamic, which is called parentification. The child starts to meet emotional needs of their parent as a way to fill the void left by the other parent. In many cases, parents unknowingly enable their child’s dependence by coming to the rescue when they find themselves in a situation that natural consequences will likely correct. For example, 19-year-old Sami just got her first credit card. As many teens do, she used the card and quickly had accrued a $500 balance.

Because Sami has such a close relationship with her parents, she decides to share this problem with them. This scenario can become a natural learning lesson by allowing her to solve this problem (get a job, babysit for neighbors, tutor high school students, etc.). Conversely, Sami’s opportunity for growth can also be thwarted by a well-meaning but ineffective lecture, and a $500 payment to MasterCard. Sami learns to expect parental bailouts and misses out on an important life lesson that will help her transition from dependent child to independent young adult.

How We Help:

It is counterintuitive to think that a family needs to disengage to become healthy. Of course not fully but in specific ways so that their child, teen, or young adult can develop self-confidence and self-reliance. For many families, it is hard to even identify what to change, as parent-child closeness is not typically associated with a negative dynamic. We help families uncover subtle or missed relational behavior and dynamics that inhibit self-reliance and encourage dependence. Parents learn to take a step back and allow their children to first, use their own internal resources to emotionally cope and problem solve before offering solutions. Children and teens learn an abundance of personal and life lessons by experiencing a problem, coping and soothing their emotions, and coming to a solution that works or doesn’t. Parents can unknowingly impede opportunities for growth by stepping in too quickly and resolving the problem or providing the solution. Much of our intrinsic development comes from more challenging life experiences so difficulties are really opportunities to persevere and skill build. It is through similar reframing that parents strengthen the parent-child bond while establishing new boundaries that encourage confidence, self-reliance and a strong sense of self.

Problem:

Families shift and change much like the individuals who are in them. Some families establish a positive functional style early on but at some point encounter stress, causing a more reactive dynamic. Other families start from a more reactive style, which worsens as stress increases. Either way, parents do their best to rebalance the family back to former patterns of functioning. In doing so, parents respond to one another and at times overcompensate for a perceived imbalance in the other. As a result, parenting approaches start to polarize causing more imbalance and family stress.

For example, Dad feels Mom is enabling by her permissiveness so he compensates in order to restore family balance by becoming more strict. Mom feels Dad is too strict and reactive so she becomes more permissive as a way to restore family balance. The children struggle to meet expectations and many times align with one parent over the other. Children often manipulate by using the parenting division to their advantage. If I get a “no” from Dad, I will ask Mom. In addition, Children learn skills to divert and distract attention away from them as a way to shirk responsibility or punishment. For Example, Dad states to 15-year-old Johnny, “I see you got a D on your Spanish test yesterday”. Johnny replies “Mom said she would call the Tutor but never did. I tried but I really needed to meet with the Tutor.” Dad confronts Mom while Johnny slowly slides into his room and closes the door.

How We Help:

Restoring balance is essential in helping the families improve harmony and overall functioning. We help to explore family shifts that have caused an imbalance and the feelings of resentment and hurt that widen relational gaps. Closing those gaps is accomplished by shifting out of “I’m right, your wrong” parental dynamic to a more flexible and collaborative dynamic that helps unite parents. Parental unity not only reduces family stress, but also helps support their child’s growth, happiness, and interpersonal success. Rules and expectations become clear and consistent enabling children to feel more secure and lovingly guided. We help families establish goals and develop a plan that: heals current and past hurt; encourages positive communication; establishes flexible, moderate and collaborative parenting skills; strengthens marital and parent-child bonds; and ultimately restores healthy, balanced family dynamics.

Problem:

In contrast to the Fused Family, the disengaged family lacks emotional closeness, warmth, and strong parent-child attachments. The "family unit" is more of a misnomer, as a more divided or fractured family dynamic is present. The lack of intimacy and cohesiveness discourages children to seek parental support as everyone in the family does their own thing. As a result, many children/teens do not respond well to adult instruction and encounter behavioral problems at home, school or in the community.

How We Help:

Focusing on the symptom or behavior is a great place to start in helping resolve the initial concern but often is not the most effective approach in resolving deeper causes for interpersonal struggles and family dynamics. Our philosophy is that by resolving the cause of the problem, the symptoms will naturally begin to wane and abate. Working from this premise, we help families: explore root causes for their detached style; heal from past feelings of hurt/resentment; and move forward strengthening communication, trust, and parent-child bonding.

Problem:

A validating parenting approach, fosters open communication and appropriate expression of feeling. Parents consider the child’s perspective, feelings, and experience as parents and their child relate well to one another. Invalidation occurs when the parent’s perceptions, feelings, and experience are rigidly “right”, overriding and devaluing the perceptions, feelings, and experience of their child or teen. For example, It’s 8 year-old Johnny’s turn at bat. He reluctantly walks up to the plate, and stands half way out of the batter’s box. The pitch is thrown and Johnny flinches expecting to the ball to hit him. Johnny strikes out without swinging his bat and the game ends. Johnny’s father says, “What happened? Your team needed you and you let three strikes go right by without a swing”. Johnny says, “I was afraid the ball was going to hit me.” Father replies, “You shouldn’t be afraid of the ball. Everyone gets hit eventually. It’s not going to hurt. You just walk it off. So what are you going do next game?” Johnny mumbles, “swing at the ball.” The parental intention is to support and encourage Johnny through a challenging situation. The result is quite the opposite as Johnny is led to believe his feelings of fear were wrong and in order to gain the acceptance of his father, he will need to feel the way his father wants him to feel. As this dynamic continues over time, Johnny is led to believe there is something wrong with him and with how he feels. This scenario illustrates that invalidation is often subtly layered into a well-intentioned parent-child exchange. Other times, it is overt and clear like “you have no right to feel angry”. Both instances cause children, teens, and adults a great deal of stress often resulting in depression, anxiety, and chronic interpersonal conflict.

How We Help:

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, whether we agree that they are valid or not. From this premise, we help individuals, couples, and families convey respect, support, and care for others and their feelings. By establishing stronger emotional boundaries; learning healthy verbal/non-verbal communication; and strengthening feelings of safety, parents and children feel heard, understood, and valued.